vozes * voices

738,500km na N2

A N2 foi um ver para crer quando tudo me dizia que eu não era capaz

Há um ano atrás olhei para um linha desenhada no mapa de Portugal. Uma linha que não me saia da cabeça, uma linha que prometia atravessar o país e as suas diferentes formas de vida.

Eu, entusiasmada pela mobilidade “ lenta”, que nos permite observar tudo sem o filtro de um vidro, decidi pouco depois que queria percorrer aquela linha de bicicleta.

Sem bicicleta ou prática, assustava-me quase diariamente com a “grandiosidade” da minha ideia, pelo que a linha me parecia menos assustadora se partilhada.

Depois de algumas recusas, o namorado de então achou que percorrer a linha de bicicleta até poderia ser interessante e, já entusiasmado com a ideia, começamos a planear a viagem a dois. Se os meus receios iniciais de enfrentar a linha sozinha diminuíram, outros ganharam forma. Receava não experienciar a linha da forma como eu já a tinha sonhado, que esta fosse uma conquista mais centrada no Ego do que no Eu, incomodava-me também a ideia de que só a teria conseguido percorrer por estar acompanhada, receava perder-me na vontade do outro, no ritmo do outro… Um sem fim de sentimentos que apenas camuflavam a verdade que agora me é tão fácil admitir: tinha uma vontade que sentia não ser capaz de cumprir, mergulhada que estava nas minhas inseguranças.

Poderia descascar essas inseguranças em camadas, como uma cebola, eram palpáveis e no entanto eu afundava-as, esperando afogá-las de vez dos meus pensamentos, não sabia lidar com a necessidade da sua observação, com a necessidade de me observar a mim mesma. Aproveitava todas as desculpas para justificar a necessidade de ter alguém ao meu lado, para justificar a minha preguiça de autoanálise. 

Veio a pandemia e com ela o término do meu relacionamento. Veio também o adormecer das vontades, percorrer a linha parecia agora uma realidade mais distante, dependente não só de mim, mas do estado do país, como se este se tivesse unido para me tramar, dando-me agora tempo indefinido para a autoanálise.   

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Sem fuga possível, dei por mim a descascar a minha “cebola interior”. Comecei por desmistificar o objeto que me transportaria, a bicicleta, e a incrível capacidade de mantermos o equilíbrio em duas rodas tão finas; por desmistificar o medo aos kms da linha, 738,500, tirando-lhe o peso da sua vírgula que a fazia parecer gigante e por fim as minhas desculpas, às quais se tinham juntado, aos poucos, as limitações dos outros, as que eram deles, mas me tinham sido “impostas”. 

Descascando a minha cebola percebi o quão fácil, e rápido, é, entre os afazeres da vida, ser consumida pelo “manto protetor” da sociedade, fortemente patriarcal, em que vivemos. Que fácil é acumular os limites dos outros, dos que “gostam tanto de nós”, que no conforto da sua passividade, querem-nos dentro do seu  círculo, protegendo-nos do mal -dizem eles; protegendo-nos da vida!- digo eu.

Livre dos meus receios, livre dos receios do outros, assim parti, com a certeza do que era capaz. 


Durante 738,500kms pedalei apenas como gente, mas por onde passava queriam-me sempre proteger, por ser mulher. Dentro do tal círculo que me protegia do mal – diziam; que me protegia da vida! – gritava eu à minha passagem.

Durante 738,500kms pedalei apenas como gente, mas personificada constantemente de mulher sozinha, aceitei o papel, decidida a pôr-me a jeito: da aventura, da descoberta, da felicidade e até mesmo da desgraça, se ela me batesse à porta. 

Durante 738,500kms como mulher sozinha, na ousadia da minha atuação, decidi pedalar apenas como gente, espalhando a certeza do que o que me movia não era a coragem, mas sim a certeza de que eu “quiero ser libre y no valiente”. (*), para espanto dos que não me compreendiam.

A N2 acrescentou algo de muito importante à minha personalidade: a não desistir à primeira dificuldade. Eu sinto que ao longo da minha vida desistia com alguma facilidade das coisas difíceis. Desistia porque acreditava que estava no meu direito não ter de passar por determinadas situações e que não tinha necessidade de tal. Apesar de continuar a acreditar nisso, acho que esforçar-me um pouco mais para ver no que vai dar traz grandes recompensas.

Percorri os 738,500 kms da linha num crescendo, não só de kms, mas de vontades: de nunca mais me perder nas azáfamas do dia a dia, de nunca mais ter preguiça de me autoanalisar, de nunca mais reprimir os meus receios, que são normais e que é preciso desmistificá-los, perceber-lhes a origem, são nossos ou são-nos impostos?

A linha, cujo nome oficial é N2, trouxe-me a vontade de não desistir!
Às vezes queria chamar um táxi e acabar com o meu sofrimento. E lá me sentava, acalmava-me, olhava ao meu redor e percebia que valia a pena. Acontecia sempre alguma coisa que fazia valer a pena mesmo.

(*)Slogan das companheiras feministas espanholas durante diversas manifestações, nomeadamente no decorrer do processo dos “la manada”

Susana Santos

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